Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea