in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.