I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
