I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I party with great urgency now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
