he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
