drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
