Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
