JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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