Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
