Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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