are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
