UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
