I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
