Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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