I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
