And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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