I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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