At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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