just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful