You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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