Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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