my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
