Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
