drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the day after is always just damage control
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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