Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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