saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
