I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
