Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
