that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
