I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
