If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
