he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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