Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
