All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
