So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
