Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
