i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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