This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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