if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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