I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it because I queefed?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
