I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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