Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize