Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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