I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
