I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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