I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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