I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
