i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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