dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
