The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
