Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I understand Curling. That high.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
