his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
