If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize