Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
