I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
