So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
