My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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